Dear Miss Snark,
As a hugely successful and incredibly wealthy New York literary agent, I gotta tell you that you’re really causing me heartburn.
In the good old days, crappy writers did a crappy job of submitting their crappy queries, and I was able to cull through the crap at the rate of five per nanosecond, no problemo. And then you came along, dishing up advice and giving away our industry secrets.
I now have thousands of submissions in my slush pile that are perfectly executed, beautifully formatted, and follow my agency’s amazingly complex and intentionally contradictory instructions precisely.
So, even though 99.9% of the actual writing is still atrocious, it’s taking me ten times longer to slog through the slush.
Are you trying to make my life a living hell, or what?
Clearly my work here is done!